the hardest thing

deleting post out of embaresment....

deleteing post out of embaressment....

wow

hahah...so i got REALLLLLLLy bored and thought i'd type in my xanga again. b/c i kno NOBODY reads this. at all. lol but um yea, i thought i'd type sum stuff out to get it off my mind.
1) there's this girl, and i've liked her for sooooo long. it's really not even funny. it really sux too b/c i was an idiot and messed things up. and i'd do anything to go back and re-do wat i did. but i ended going out with her best friend and that didn't work out b/c the whole time i still liked that girl and well her best friend liked my best friend as well. and yea. my best friend and her are going out so atleast they got wat they wanted. as for the girl well. "you've lost your chance", is all i get when i joke around with her about things like (we'd make beatiful children and silly stuff like that) and it sux. i've liked other people to tho b/c i don't like wasting my time trying to be with somebody if they don't wanna be with me ya know. so i've went out with other people and stuff and i've really liked other girls to. alot. but still. everytime i see her...idk wat it is. i can't take my eyes off her. she's like seriously....amazing. i really wish she knew. and idk part of me thinks she does...deep down...somewhere. or maybe i just hope she does. either way. i know she liked me at one point an time. and, well, i really wish she felt the same way i do. i know all this sounds UBER EFFING GAY!!! so i'm gald it's in my xanga. hahaha sux for all the people who have no idea all of his is right here. mwa ha. unless your reading this then...shit. o wellz, i highly doubt that your reading this and if u are then..o well. it's prolly like 2 years after i've written this anyways so it's not like it matters. but yea, i'm going to a church camp with that girl tomorow and it's going to be really hard for me. b/c idk. i want her pretty bad and not like "do stuff when no1's looking kinda want" like. idk, hold hands when were walking from one place to another weather or not anybody notices b/c it reallys doesn't matter if they did..that kinda want.
it's really sad when i try and tell her but she doesn't believe me, or i'll compliment her and she won't take my compliments seriously. lol it's REALLLy gay accutaly, b/c if i could pick one person to idk....just like be on a desert island with then it'd be her. i fell really really really comfortable around her like idk, i could tell her anything. expect everything that i've just typed. i'm really scared of rejection. alot.
and idk, i'm not really "clingy" it's just, i haven't really felt this way about a whole lotta people lol. accutaly not very many at all. and i really don't think she knows how i feel. b/c when i've turned to her, it's been at all the wrong times. and i'm sure it's seemed like she was my "rebound girl" but she wasn't, she was the girl i wish i would have picked in the first place instead of messing things up or being scared to admit that i was wrong and getting rejected after i told her that i was wrong. wow. i want her to read this. but not if it's gonna like freak her out and have be like wtf and mess things up b/c we're like best friends. and if i didn't have all these feelings for her she'd be like my lil' sister. like seriously, i'd do anything for her. really. i'd drive to oklahoma to pick her up at 3 in the mornin' just b/c she was home sick. i wouldn't care a bit. when she's around...everythings ok. and not to mention her mom is like. the coolest person ever lol. nah, but seriously i love her mom, she;s tiight. n' her lil' sister is pretty cool too. and idk the only wierd thing is that my mom loces her and always asks about her and idk....that's kinda freakin' me out but. it's true. she's one of the best girls i kno and if u kno who i'm talking about then u should prolly tell her to read this b/c....i seriously doubt i'm going to end up telling her. even if i do want her to kno.
well thanx for reading this b/c i doubt ANYONE read this. haha.
pretty much a waste of time typing all that but what the heck...y not.
_+JASON+_
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